Lord of Snow White
by GrimsClockwork
Summary: What happens when you cross LOTR with the real story of Snow White, well read on and find out. please R&R i love hearing what people have to say about my stories
1. The Cottage

Title: Lord of Snow White

Author: GrimsClockwork

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story; they either belong to Tolkien or the Brothers Grimm, and as tradition goes I quoted my man Anthony Burgess.

Rating: T (to play it safe)

Summary: The fellowship is traveling through yet another forest and they come into contact with Snow white and the Seven Dwarves

Authors Note: I wasn't on pot or drunk when I wrote this I swear!!! One evening it just came to me: I love LOTR and I love the Grimm's Fairy Tales, let's combine them.

**Chapter 1: The Cottage**

As the fellowship made their way through yet another forest, they couldn't help but notice that an unusual calm had spread over everything. Aragorn and Boromir had adopted a new policy of ignoring each other, Legolas and Gimli were had given up the argument about who was better (both thinking that they had won), Pippin and merry hadn't done anything stupid in days, Gandalf had plenty of pipe weed, the ring seemed to be having a minimal effect on Frodo, and since Frodo was happy Sam was happy. Despite the relative calm that was in the air, you could leave it up to good old Gimli to find something to complain about.

"Hey Elf" he barked at Legolas. Being in his own little world as always Legolas did hear him. "Legolas!!" Gimli yelled again.

"You talking to me" Legolas said, snapping his head around to look at Gimli.

"Yes ADD I'm talking to you," Gimli grunted. "Where are we?"

"We're in Grimm's Forest of course," Legolas said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"It seems like we're always in the forest, how many forests does Middle Earth have?"

"Plenty of them Gimli," Gandalf said chuckling.

The sun was setting quickly as they pressed on through Grimm's Forest, and just was Merry was thinking that he would give his left arm to sleep in a real bed, they passed though a large clump of trees and arrived at a clearing.

"Hey look at that!" Pippin said pointing.

"Is that a cave?" Gimli questioned.

"What is it with you and caves?" Legolas said staring at him.

"Elf I swear I'm gonna…" before he could finish Legolas cut in with "it's a cottage anyone can see that, except you of course."

"That's enough you two, it doesn't appear that anyone's home, but lets go and see, perhaps they will allow us to spend the night here"

"_Hmmm I think it and it happens, interesting_" Merry thought.

"Gandalf are you sure that's a good idea, I mean what if Orcs are in there?" Boromir said.

"Frodo, is sting glowing?" Aragorn said to the hobbit.

"Nope," Frodo said unsheathing sting.

"Plus it doesn't smell like Orcs," Legolas said breathing deeply. "Actually it kinda smells like dwarves."

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT!" Gimli yelled. But before he could do anything Gandalf poked him in the back with his walking stick and they headed forward toward the small cottage.


	2. Oh That Aint Right!

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!!

Authors note: Most of the details in here are authentic to the fairy tale, please R&R

**Chapter 2: Oh That Aint Right!!!**

The fellowship approached the cottage slowly. All where curious about the place, but no one wanted to be the first to open the door. Legolas solved that problem real quick.

"Well Gimli what are you waiting for, open the door" he said pointedly.

"What! Why do I have to?" Gimli said surprised.

"Oh, if you're afraid I'll understand." Legolas said innocently.

"Hey I'm not afraid of anything!" Gimli said storming forward and throwing the door open.

The fellowship slowly filed in and looked around, it was a rather curious place that they had stumbled upon. Everything in the place was small, but rather clean. There was a table with a white cover with 7 little chairs as well as seven little sets of dinnerware. And against a wall where seven little beds with snow-white counterpanes.

"Hey everything in here is our sized," Pippin said excitedly. "Or dwarf-sized anyway."

Looking around at the place and feeling oddly at home Gimli said "yeah this is defiantly a dwarf dwelling."

"It would appear that no one is home," Gandalf said. "I think we shall spend the night here."

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," Boromir said, "where are those of us who are normal sized supposed to sleep."

After much deliberation and a fair amount if bitching from Boromir sleeping arrangements where decided. Merry and Pippin where to share a bed, Gimli, Gandalf, Sam & Frodo each got their own beds, the two remaining beds where pushed together so Legolas and Aragorn could share it, and Boromir was to sleep on the floor.

"You know Boromir you could share the bed with me, I don't mind" Gandalf said.

"Nope the floor is fine," Boromir said, possible to quickly.

"Dude could you be anymore homophobic," Legolas said giggling to himself.

Aside from a little sleep talking from Merry and Legolas moving to the floor (Aragorn kicks) the night passed with little action. The sun rose and passed through a small window, causing sun to go directly into Boromir eyes waking him up. Boromir stretched and rolled over, only to find Legolas right next to him. Legolas was already awake laying on his side staring directly at Boromir, and he was just close enough for it to be awkward.

"Good morning tiger," Legolas said in a feminine almost sensual voice.

"Wh-h-hat t-t-the hell, back off man," Boromir stuttered.

"Why you always gotta be so cranky in the mornings," Legolas said in the same voice.

Boromir growled, got to his feet, and walked away leaving Legolas giggling on the floor. Eventually Legolas rose and walked around the small cottage, it was evident to him that all 7 of the regular residents here where male, but he also noticed that the place had a feminine air to it.

"_1 girl and 7 guys in one place interesting_." He thought as he gravitated toward a small window near the front of the house. As he got closer to the window he heard voices. He leaned in closer to the window hoping to hear better, and it soon became clear that it was a man and a women fighting and approaching the house.

"What on earth are you doing?" Boromir asked coming up behind Legolas.

"Shut up, I'm tying to listen!"

"Listen to what?"

"If you'd just shut up you could hear it too you idiot!"

Both elf and human leaned forward and listened to the approaching voices. Suddenly two humans came bursting through the trees bordering the cottage. One was a huntsman and the other appeared to be royalty.

"I still don't understand why we're here our majesty," The huntsman said nervously.

"I told you we have to make sure that Little Snow White is dead!"

"But I already told you, I came to check up on them a few days ago, she's is in a casket in the woods. She is quite dead."

"Ha! Like I'm gonna take you're your word for it!" the queen said laughing loudly and smacking the woodsman in the head. "Do you remember what happened the last time you told me she was dead."

"Well this time is different majesty, you killed her remember, what if I where to go and get a piece of her to show you she is still dead."

The queen stared at him and without warning kicked him hard in a very sensitive place and spat on him.

"_What a bitch_," Legolas whispered and Boromir nodded.

"We tried that once before," the Queen hissed darkly. "And I recall a certain someone bringing me a liver and a heart. And I ate them thinking they belonged to Little Snow White."

"_She did what!!!_" Legolas said horrified. "That crazy old Dama"

"But no they didn't belong to little snow white they belonged to a pig! Now we're going to find her casket NOW!" the queen roared. And with that she grabbed the huntsman and they stormed off. Legolas and Boromir sat in silence for a few minutes trying to process what had just happened. Finally Boromir broke the silence, "wow a cannibalistic queen and I thought my family was screwed up."

Legolas laughed a little and returned to the others to wake them up. Soon they had set off into the woods again, as they walked Legolas and Boromir filled them in on what they had heard.

"I don't understand why would she eat what she thought was her organs?" Pippin asked disgusted.

"I donno," Legolas replied. "That's humans for you."

The hobbits laughed and Aragorn shook his head as they walked on. Soon they came to another clearing and in the center of it they saw a glass casket lined with gold. Inside of the casket was a young child and surrounding it where the seven dwarves.

"That must be snow white," Boromir said and the others nodded. On the other side of the clearing the trees began to rustle and out came the prince.

"Excuse me dwarves," he said. "I would like to have that coffin, price doesn't matter."

"He wants the coffin…" Legolas said bewildered.

"Please dwarves let me have it as a gift; I will honor and praise her as my prize possession." And the dwarves decided to give it to him. The prince took the coffin and left, and the dwarves headed back to the cottage. Leaving the fellowship very very confused.

"Ok I am crazy or did he just take a dead body back to his castle," Merry said.

"It would appear that way yes," Legolas replied.

"Why would he do that unless…oh man he wants to get freaky with a dead body?!"

Legolas laughed and replied, "Can you say necrophilia my dear hobbit." Without another word, the now deeply disturbed fellowship continued on their way to Mt. Doom.


End file.
